A Leadership Story of the Overly Self-Protected CEO
Leaders hurt only themselves and their organizations when they shut down on—or never open up to—those around them.
There are many reasons leaders choose to be opaque to others: For example, the desire to “not be a bull in a China Shop”; “hold off until they earn my trust”; “play it close to the vest”; “be professional”; “be leader-like”; “be business-like”; or as a reaction to stress. In fact, any of these beliefs can work when applied in moderation, but break down when taken too far. Indeed the more self-protected the leader chooses to be, the less able they are to relate to those around them in ways that foster collaboration, teamwork, mentoring/developing, maintaining caring connections—all of which have been shown to hinder goals.
Recently a CEO came to me to complain about his board, and to get some coaching. He had been recruited about six months prior to our appointment, and mentioned that the organization had had four CEO’s in the last six years, so he was poised for board trouble. It’s a large board with strong personalities, including some tough cookies, and a few who, according to my client, “have no business being there.” Before becoming CEO he had many years of positive results and experience at successively more responsible levels of similar organizations.
The week before I saw him, he had gotten a bad performance review for his first six months, delivered to him by a subgroup of the board’s executive committee. Given his track record, and what he was up against during his brief tenure, he was shocked and angered by the review. He didn’t say anything to the reviewers except to thank them for their candor.
Further inquiries into the situation revealed a high-degree of self-protection on my client’s part. When asked, he said he saw things that needed changing but soft-pedaled them for the sake of “not making too many waves at first.” After a few tough experiences in board and executive committee meetings, he got quieter and quieter in subsequent meetings, and ended up speaking only during his report and when spoken to. He had made the rounds of one-on-one meetings with several board members, but hadn’t made personal connections with any of them.
When those around you are unable—either temporarily or on an ongoing basis—to connect with you at a human level, they will make up (or project) their own stories about you. Without even realizing it, they literally fill in the blanks you’ve left them with their own theories or reactions to being frozen out—and their impressions are usually off base. Why do people make up stories? The human brain is wired to assess and create working theories about the people important to us as a way of making sense of our world. With a bunch of fictional stories and impressions flying around, leaders create for themselves some tough sledding indeed.
So my client created many blanks for his many bosses to fill in: Not sharing his ideas early on, not speaking up more in meetings, not taking the initiative to let individual board members get to know him as a person, and not responding to his review. In fact, his actions led to 17 different stories projected onto him, many of which were about him being arrogant, overly cautious, dismissive, controlling, and so on. While none of these traits were in my client’s nature, who could tell? He was masked and opaque to his board.
The result? After only six months on the job, his board was having serious doubts, and “should I stay, or should I go?” was the question he presented me.
We talked through it, and I acknowledged the possibility that the board was a lost cause for even the most skilled CEO. Yet he acknowledged that there was no way to assess that before he gave them, or the situation, the benefit of revealing himself and what he is truly capable of doing.
He decided to own his mistake and go on a “get to know me” crusade, continuing his one-on-one meetings with the board, and in the course of business discussions with them, reveal some of who he is as a human, sharing some of his frustration, explaining where he goofed, talking about his heartfelt hope and fears, and so on.
The cliché is that leaders think they are supposed to avoid the “touchy-feely stuff” – to avoid vulnerability, and appear strong. When times are challenging (whether actually or we perceive it that way), some will “hunker and bunker.” The self-protection response is, after all, “original equipment” for us humans.
We as leaders have the gift of being able to, with practice, bypass the impulse to hide our nature, and instead let our people know us, particularly when the going gets tough.
When you make the effort to let others see and get to know you as a human being, those with integrity around you won’t be able to help themselves: they’ll want to play at their best for your team.
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