Speak the language of leadership--for example, if you tend to say "Help me understand...," then consider that the recipient of this "question" will probably hear it as criticism. They hear you saying: "you don't get it," or "you're wrong," or "I disagree," or "you're slow."
Another variation is: "I'm not smart enough to understand..." (whatever you are saying, proposing, analyzing, or suggesting.)
If you truly WANT to ping someone for understanding wthout telegraphing anything negative, try asking more childlike and direct questions, like "What is this?" or "How does that work?" If you want to be critical, then offer some kind, necessary, and candid feedback privately.
David Peck
Senior Executive Coach
Goodstone Group
I so agree with this. I have always found "Help me understand..." to be utterly patronizing, especially when it comes from someone who clearly has high intelligence and capability. If I don't understand or agree with what someone says, I tell them. "I love this first part, but I'm not so crazy about the second part, so let's talk more about that." Or "What is it that you're trying to accomplish with this?" Being smarmy and disingenuous implies that you think your people can't think at as high a level as you. Not a good trait for a leader.
Posted by: Deb Smith | February 14, 2011 at 07:32 AM